- After YOUR humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY
YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself on the
sheets. This is especially good if it is before bedtime.
- Act like a convicted criminal! When they come home, put your
ears back, tail between your legs, your chin down and act as if
you have done something REALLY REALLY bad. Then watch as YOUR
humans frantically search the house for the damage they think
you have caused. (CAUTION: This only works when you have done
absolutely NOTHING wrong!)
- Let YOUR humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly.When
humans try to demonstrate it to their human guests, stare blankly
back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they are talking
about. Attempting to bribe you with cookies is usually an added
bonus.
- Make humans be patient. Patience is a virtue. When you go outside
to 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as YOUR humans WAIT, especially
in the COLD, RAINY weather. Act as though the spot you choose
to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the world.
- Draw attention to YOUR humans. When out for a walk always pick
the busiest, most visible spot to go POOP! Take your time and
make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if YOUR
humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
- When out for a walk, alternate between choking, coughing, tripping
and whining everytime a strange human walks by. This will ensure
you will get the FULL LEAD without the 'heeling' stuff.
- Hide from YOUR humans. When humans come home don't greet them
at the door. Instead, HIDE from them and make them think something
terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of YOUR
humans is panic strickened and close to tears) This may sound
a bit cruel, but its a GUARANTEED treat....they'll be so happy
to see you.....they'll give you ANYTHING!!!!!
- When YOUR humans call you to come inside, ALWAYS take your
time, walk as SLOWLY as possible back to the door. We have a SPECIAL
mission here to TEACH humans PATIENCE!!
- Wake up twenty minutes early before the alarm clock is set
to go off and make YOUR humans, take you out for your morning
potty. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can
rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them
NUTS!)
- ALWAYS, remember the Limp, Limp, Whine, Whine, Whine routine.
No matter what you have done (ate the roast, chewed the couch
etc.) no matter how loud YOUR humans are yelling, when you do
the Limp, Limp, Whine, Whine, routine you are OFF the hook. This
along with BLINKING your BIG BROWN eyes in SUFFERING through LOVING
ADORATION will GUARANTEE left overs from dinner and aCOMFY place
on YOUR humans bed at night.
- Always cuddle and play with the cat in front of YOUR humans.
Then at night when you're UNOBSERVED, do what all NORMAL dogs
do. In the morning, YOUR humans will blame that DAMN DOG DOWN
the STREET. Be especially careful to HIDE ALL fur balls you happen
to cough up the next morning.
- Finally and most importantly for all male dogs. When YOUR humans
talk about neutering you, make sure you STARE POINTEDLY at YOUR
male human's crotch and LICK your chops. In most cases this will
ENSURE you remain intact.
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